Sex FAQs

Things you always wanted to know about sex but may have been too shy to ask.

Anal Stimulation

Men and women, gays, straight and bisexuals have anuses sensitive to stimulation. Some people like that area handled or penetrated, some people don’t, some people can learn to if they want to. Enjoying anal stimulation, even penetration, does not “make you” gay, or anything else. If you want to experiment with this, use latex barriers such as condoms or finger cots, use plenty of lubrication, plenty of communication (“Is this okay?”). Jack Morin’s Anal Pleasure and Health covers everything you might think to ask, and more.

Featured sex faq photo above from Moral Revolution.

Body Waste

Most of us were taught in no uncertain terms that doing Numbers 1 and 2 anywhere but the toilet (or when absolutely necessary, behind a bush) was not at all nice, but some people eroticize the forbidden. If you do or your partner does, play safe. Urine is fairly sterile; fecal material carries the potential of all sorts of contamination.

Cheating

The creation of the web has spawned, among many other things, a new way for couples to find sexual excitement outside of their relationship. Is it cheating to carry on an online flirt? What about if it’s kept only to chat rooms? What if…..? The fact is only you and your partner can decide what is allowable in your relationship and what is not. If you think your partner would be less than pleased to know what you are doing online with whomever whenever, then you need to have a talk with him or her and/or with your conscience.

Erections/Staying Power

Rather than assigning a particular number of minutes to define satisfactory intercourse, when his ejaculation is greeted by either partner with AWWWWW instead of AAAAH, then it was probably premature. A man can learn better ejaculatory control through a series of exercises described in most good sexual books such as Castleman’s Sexual Solutions, Zilbergeld’s New Male Sexuality, or the Bergers’ Biopotency among others, instructional videos, or in just a few sessions with a sex therapist. Encourage yourself by remembering that you learned toilet training using the same muscles with similar patterns when you were not at all as well equipped or motivated for such endeavors as you are now.

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Fantasies

These are games we play in the privacy of our minds, off-Broadway tryouts for scenarios that may never tread the boards. Common themes for both women and men are domination and submission, and people and genders not usually in your real life repertoire. You are not obliged or even encouraged to act on them. When there is a problem is when you are troubled by them (“A person like me shouldn’t be thinking about that”), feel obsessed, (“I want to stop thinking about this but I can’t”) or compelled by them. In that case, consultation with a therapist is probably a good idea.

Finding a Partner

Alas, there is no one fertile source of horny women or attractive ever-ready and available men akin to the elephant’s boneyard, although people do keep asking me for one. Some folks luck out in the natural course of their day-to-day doings. Most of us have to give Cupid an assist. Organizations like Learning Annex or community colleges give enjoyable classes in Sweetie finding and there are resources like my own audio tape “New Ways To Meet New People” ($15 to PMB#153, 624C Willow Street Alameda, CA 941501). Some good general rules: let friends and family know you’re open to meeting some new people, go new places, be friendly and speak to strangers for the practice of it, enjoy the process of broadening your life.

Hair

The human animal grows body hair. Fashion and individual taste decree its desired placement. Mother Nature, however, cares not a whit for personal preference. Hair grows where and how it will. Some people are turned on by hairy breasts, brows, buttocks, balls and all else, some are not. You will undoubtedly meet some of both kinds on your trip through life. There is no foolproof method of either encouraging or discouraging its growth. Consult the proper experts (dermatologists, trichologists, electrologists) and/or try various over the counter methods.

Masturbation

The majority of human beings touch themselves in ways that bring erotic pleasure – that is women, men, children, babies, single folk and those with sex partners. It is not an immature behavior, or sick, or necessarily anti-intimacy or a replacement for any other, more “real” sexual acts. You will not hurt yourself by doing it “too much” unless you cause abrasions or stay home with the shades drawn for days on end indulging.

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Oral Sex

There are erotic educational tapes such as “How To Perform Fellatio” and books such as J. & S. Franklin’s The Ultimate Kiss for both women and men, but the best way to learn how to please a particular partner in this manner is learn from the individual. If she sighs or he moans you’re probably doing something right. Asking a partner to “Show me on this peach or banana exactly how you like it” is not only extremely educational but very entertaining as well, particularly if the instructional session begins at the fruit counter.

Painful Sexual Interactions

Sex is a pleasurable activity. If something hurts something is wrong. Stop whatever is going on, talk about it and add some more KY Jelly when appropriate; in other words, more communication, more lubrication. Then see a doctor.

Penis Size

How a penis is at rest gives no indication of how it will be at attention; neither does the size of one’s fingers, feet or ego. A few urologists specialize in surgical methods of enlarging the circumference through fat injections and the length through cutting the suspending ligaments, but there are problems with these methods. A man is much better served by learning how to be a good lover with what he has rather than wishing it otherwise.

Same Sex Feelings

Heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian and gay can all be far more fluid terms than you may think. Most people have fantasies of having sex with the gender they do not regularly interact with (lesbians of men, straight women of other women, etc.) and more people than you guess have such experiences. Neither thoughts nor occasional actions, “make” you anything particular. You choose how you identify out of personal ethics, and whatever label you pick “for now” may change. There are support organizations and fellow travelers for every stripe and hue.

Vibrators

Creative sensation seekers have smilingly operated jackhammers and treadle sewing machines, sat on the lids of spin dryers and wrapped a washcloth around the business end of electric toothbrushes, but there are devices much better designed for the purpose of providing continuing reliable stimulation where it’s wanted. If you can’t bring yourself to visit a sex shop in person (pity), browse the online toy stores such as our advertiser Gamelinks, www.goodvibes.com or www.blowfish.com. Yes, almost any woman can become easily orgasmic with them. Yes, men use them too. No, they do not replace a kissing and cuddling live partner, and they are only addictive in the sense that they are such an efficient method of achieving orgasm for so many women that they get to prefer this kind of stimulation to what a partner is physically able to provide.

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Woman’s Orgasms

Probably nothing I have written in the past 15 years has generated as much mail as The Coital Alignment Technique, a position described on the book The Perfect Fit by Eichel & Nobile wherein the man “rides high” during face to face intercourse, aligning his body over the female’s so that their rocking rather than his thrusting provides clitoral stimulation with the shaft of his penis. All the excitement wasn’t about a new position. There aren’t any. The mail deluge simply demonstrated the prevalent insistence that women MUST climax through intercourse and when they don’t one partner must be inept and the other psychologically damaged. Most women require direct clitoral stimulation in order to climax and few, if any, intercourse positions provide that. If a woman really wants to come via intercourse she or her partner can simultaneously stimulate her clitorally by hand or vibrator, using positions which give better clitoral access such as rear entry or side by side. Sometimes sitting astride him allows the woman to move in ways that provide her the stimulation she needs. Sometimes a couple can experiment with G spot stimulation so that a “different” type of orgasm is obtainable through thrusting alone. Sometimes it’s simply easier to give up that “must” and re-program the sexual scenario so that there is intercourse and there are orgasms – before, after or instead of rather than necessarily in the middle.

I’m a sex enthusiast, published fantasy writer and the editing director of Brewin’ After Dark. I write about topics surrounding sexual health. Thanks for reading and add me on Twitter!

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